how do you face it?

Dearest Liver,

Sorry that I’ve been away so long. For a while I was feeling well and I didn’t want to take time away from that to sit down and write. I was having fun with my friends, dancing whenever possible, and finally traveling and doing things I wanted to do. It was amazing, and even though I KNEW that it wasn’t going to last, I couldn’t comprehend how horrible it was going to feel when that was pulled away from me again.

I tried to prep myself for it, thinking that if I lived it up and enjoyed all of the moments I had, when I was torn down back into my fucked up reality of metastatic cancer it wouldn’t be so bad. Like somehow I would be able to weather the storm of the next rough patch by reliving the nice parts of my chemo break in my head. Continue reading how do you face it?

I never thought I would be a blogger 

Dearest Liver,

When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2005 everyone told me that I should make a blog. I was in a much different head space the first time around and didn’t see how it would help me. Then I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer 2 years ago and everything changed. I was struggling with a way to cope and decided to give this a try. It seemed like a good way to vent my thoughts and spare my family and friends from having to talk about my cancer all of the time. Continue reading I never thought I would be a blogger 

It’s the little things in life, like cucumber gimlets.

Dearest Liver,

I’m not having such a great day today. My bones hurt from my neupogen shot yesterday, I’m exhausted, and just generally feeling stressed out and a little sad today. Sometimes I have these sorts of days. My general stance on this is to allow myself to wallow in whatever I’m feeling for no more than 24 hrs and then I move on. I don’t know if this is the healthiest way to deal with things or not, but it has gotten me through the last year and a half of this cancer BS pretty well, so I think it’s working for me.

Today I’m going to try and drag myself out of my funk and think about the little things in life that make me happy. Like the fact that my tumors in you are down by 50%! FIVE ZERO! That’s pretty awesome. And I got to celebrate this on Monday with some of the best UCSF staff ever! After 6 months of not being allowed to have any alcohol at all, I was rewarded by being taken out for a cucumber gimlet at Bourbon and Branch. It was the perfect cocktail choice and the one we have been talking about for months. Continue reading It’s the little things in life, like cucumber gimlets.

Getting to know you

Dearest Liver,

You haven’t been so nice to me lately so I thought this blog might give us a chance to get to know each other a little better.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, you weren’t even a thought on my mind. It was all about chemo, radiation, mastectomies, reconstruction, hormones and eventually lymphedema. Did you get jealous of all of the attention given to other areas of my body? I thought that I was keeping you entertained with my casual love affair with wine and gin, but I guess it wasn’t enough for you. So here we are… 1.5 years after being diagnosed with metastatic cancer and you’re the star of the show. My bone mets have been kept pretty well under control with the various study drugs and chemo, but you are still a pain in my ass. Continue reading Getting to know you